Friday, November 28, 2014
 

 

             

 

 

The affect of "choice" can be difficult to deal with and can have a ripple effect through a person's life or through a family.  If you'd like to share an anonymous comment on how an abortion (yours or someone you know) has affected your life, we welcome you to post.

The messages below may be written by people who have not yet gone through recovery.  In reading them you may see very raw emotions.  Feelings of anger, depression and unforgiveness are normal. These are common emotions prior to someone going through an abortion recovery program.

If the stories below trigger your heart, someone else you know may also be suffering the aftermath of abortion.

For those needing help, we'll assist you in finding a program .  If you question whether recovery is necessary or "right for you"..... Please feel free to read our stories of recovery to see how it impacted the lives of others.

Feel free to email us directly for help:  CARE DIRECTORY STAFF 

 

NOTE: City and website fields are optional. Email is requested only to protect the integrity of those entering information.  Your private information will not be disclosed.


How Has Abortion Affected You?
Name: susanDate: 10/5/2013
i was 18 when i made the worst choice of my life i am now 38 and still never forget the worst day of my life. if you are thinking about abortion dont do it the pain never goes away. everyday i wish i could go back and do thing different. there are plenty of people that would have loved to have my baby. if i would not have made that choice i would not question my salvation today.i am very lucky i was able to have a baby 10 years later and she is the love of my life. just remember it is a life that is not our place to make the choice.
State: pa
Country: United States

Name: LeahDate: 9/30/2013
I had an abortion when I was 16. At the time I just knew that I couldn't be a mother. Still living at home. Still in high school. The choice was so clear. I took the pill abortion. Afterwards I felt emotional and sad but nothing to bad. Well I'm 22 years old now and 3 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I was overcome with joy but yet I knew my boyfriend just wasn't ready for us to have a baby yet. I finally told him and he was so sick with worrie. All I wanted was for him to be happy and want this baby as much as I did. He just went on and on how we're just not ready yet. How we need to be more prepared and live our lives while we're still young. I was devastated. No matter what he had to say I just knew with all my heart I could do it this time. Knowing how he felt I wanted to do what he thought was right. I made an appointment to go to the doctors. The day of the appointment were almost half way there and I burst into tears. I told him how I wanted my baby. How he may not be attached but I am. So he told me okay we will do it. I felt relieved and happy. Yet I knew he could still change his mind. And of coarse he did. He told me the reason he turned around that day was because it broke his heart to see me that way. Trying to do the nice thing turned out to make me feel even worse. After 2 weeks of debating back in forth I finally caved in and set up another appointment. Made it there cryed my eyes out as I'm debating back in forth with myself. Already there and already took a week off work I knew I had to. Popping that pill in my mouth I broke down and cryed! I knew that was it my baby wouldn't grow anymore. He try'd to comfort me and still is trying. I just feel full of resentment towards him. Full of guilt that I killed my sweet innocent baby. I feel depressed empty and alone. I just don't know what to do. I just want my baby back. I had my follow up appointment today and I hoped so bad that it didn't work and I was still pregnant. Nope. It worked. I can't even look at babies or anything to do with babies without crying!! When will this end?? I never felt this way the last time. I find myself hating him for not wanting this baby right now. I find myself yelling and arguing with him over nothing. He try's to comfort me and try's to be there for me but he just doesn't understand how I feel. Yes my baby was only 5 weeks but I was so attached anyway sorry this is so long. I just had to reach out to people who understands. Your stories don't make me feel so alone. :( I hope all these emotions go away.
State: California
Country: United States

Name: CDate: 9/28/2013
I am engaged. The decision was "all mine", he said he would "support me in any choice" but talked about not wanting to be a dad, (we are in our late 20's and financially secure), he talked about our future as if we were not going to have a child. He talked about how he was not ready. This did not make any choice easier. I couldn't talk to anyone I knew about it, my family is pro-life to the extreme... me on the otherhand have always believed in a woman's right to choose. I was lost, alone and overwhelmed. How was this decision so difficult? Why couldn't I just be a mother? Probably because it never came into my mind, I don't really like babies... but love children. I was taking the birth control pill so it's not like I wanted a baby, that's why I was taking the pill... to avoid being pregnant. But here I was.... pregnant.
I booked an appointment at the clinic, at this point I had already had my first ultrasound, which I went to on my own, had blood work and chatted to my physician. Clearly by 10 weeks I should have known what I wanted. So many emotions, and physical changes occurring...
The morning of the appointment came and I went, still unsure if I wanted to be a mother or go through with termination... No options including adoption were good. I was trying to find the best in a situation where all options sucked. I did days of research on options for being a mother, adoption and aboption. Weighed the pros, cons... and neutral points. And I was still there in the middle of it all, all by myself. Any time I reached out to my partner it was the same response: " this is up to you, but I like our life the way it is, just you and me"
How am I suppose to make a decision like this. We live on the opposite side of the country to our families. I would be raising this child on my own, if he is my partner I need him to be fully on board with this huge life change.
So we went to the clinic because someone had to drive me/pick me up. I sat in the waiting room, boiling with anger... how could he let me even come here. Why am I here? Who am I? Why do I feel so alone. I am not an angry person, but I bet you could sense the anger from miles away. I just sat in the chair filling out the sheets... I couldnt even look at my partner. I was hurting so bad, and he couldnt even begin to imagine.

I expected the counsellor that morning to discuss all options again before giving me an adavan to relax me....but she didn't really, she just was there to appear to have my best interest at heart. They're just a front to show that they care, but really are only there to get papers signed saying you're going through with it. I handed her several sheets they gave me to fill out about my emotions and views on this situation.. Under was this choice: easy, difficult. I underlined and circled difficult, where it asked are you sure you want to terminate this pregnancy? Yes or No. I circled both. But she didn't even question the sheets. I was looking for more than I got in regards to support. But here I was, there is no turning back now....

I was awake during the procedure but they give you more medicine just beforehand, there was 3 nurses and the doctor. I realize now the doctor didn't talk to me until AFTER I was medicated... shouldnt it be the other way around so she can make sure this is 100% what I want to do, and to ensure if I have any final questions I am thinking clearly and logically. My words were mumbled and slurring, and the things I wanted to ask I couldn't because my mind was clouded.. I don't think things were going well because as out of it as I was one of the nurses was running around because the doctor was looking for something.
Turns out they didn't complete the abortion and for the next week I was in more pain then I ever had, and had to return to this place I made a mistake and have another procedure done for an incomplete abortion.... karma of the world was punishing me for my wrong choice.


Now all I can think about it the heart beat on the ultrasound... and how awful I feel for being so selfish and not talking to more people, asking for help... I can't stop crying and wish I could talk to someone.
My partner finally apologized this week. "I am so sorry I put you through all this mental and physical pain, I never want/wanted you to get hurt"....
me: "I will hurt for the rest of my life because of this choice"
State: on
Country: Canada

Name: MichelleDate: 9/27/2013
I write this less than 24 hours after I sent my baby to heaven. I wish to get this all down so that I may start my grieving and recovery. This is very long, sorry.

I'm 22 and a month away from my 23rd birthday. I live out of home, have a low paying steady job and I'm not in a stable relationship. I found out I was pregnant on a Friday in the end of September 2013. I can't really explain the emotions I was feeling at that time. When the doctor asked if I was going to keep the child, I didn't hesitate, I said "yes". She estimated me to be 9 weeks pregnant.

I spent the whole weekend thinking about what I might do. I met the baby's father on the Monday after, not to tell him but to see If I could decide if could share this babies, my answer tragically was no. I didn't tell him about my pregnancy or the choice I made. What was the point of making him hurt as much as me, or angry? If I kept the child, i would have told him.

My blood results came back on the Tuesday confirming the pregnancy. By this stage I was unsure and struggling, I had started to cry any time my brain would wonder to our future. I told my parents that night, with the help of my sister, who I had told the Friday I found out. They were extremely supportive and were happy to have me back at home and let me live in the lower part of the house which had two rooms connected by a bathroom and a hallway. They told me they would change their work habits so they could baby sit when I went back to work and they were willing to financially support myself and my baby. My Parents and sister were supporting any decision I made and told me they loved me no matter what my choice, however, it was mine to make and they said that i needed to do what was right for me. Deep inside I had this desire for someone to tell me what to do. Tell me what was right.

Somewhere deep inside me, even though I didn't/don't care if my child was a boy or girl, I felt as though it would have been a girl. I named her, even though she would never hear me call her name, I chose Amelia. I don't know why but I felt calling my child "it" was inappropriate. I didn't tell my family this because they would have understood my already formed attachment to her and this decision was already hard enough without them confusing my feelings.

When I was in high school I wrote many papers and did many presentations on Pregnancy termination. I was pro-life but also I supported the idea that it was the women's right to choose what was right for them and their situation (with exceptions). I always said to someone that asked, "I would keep any gift God gave me".

I made the appointment on the last Friday of September, a week after finding out I was pregnant. Even though I struggled so hard, and had so many emotions and thoughts running through my head, thinking about it now, I knew this was the right thing to do. I couldn't ask my family to change so much for me, I couldn't share my child with someone I'd known for only 4 months, I didn't know how I would work and afford to give my child the proper care she deserved. I was too unsure on my future. I wish I had found out earlier so I could have sort counsel from all sorts of people; counsellors, a priest and even a psychic (I am a little inclined to the paranormal and such). Even to give myself a bit of peace of mind that this was right for my child.

When I got to the clinic my Mother and Sister where there and continued to wait for me to go through the almost 4 hour process. In the waiting room, while filling out the paper work, they kept asking me if this is something I wanted and if I could handle the after effects of it. I asked them to give me the same respect as a woman who had miscarried. The loss of a child, whether one chose it or not, was hard to think about and it was something that was always going to carry ones heart. They have respected that.

The process itself wasn't hard. They interviewed me, gave me an ultrasound (I asked to see the ultrasound-I saw my beautiful baby there and peacefully unaware of her future) and I saw an anesthetist. From there they brought me to the procedure room, had me lay down on a table, and asked me again if this is what I wanted, I nodded, by now I couldn't speak. Here in Australia and at the clinic I went to, they put you to sleep through the procedure. The anesthetist was gentle and quick. I was asleep within seconds. I woke up on a bed in a recovery room and soon moved to another room to sit down and have antibiotics, juice and a few biscuits.

All the nurses and doctor I met that day were kind, not judgmental; some even tried to make me smile. I had explained to one nurse that this was hard decision for me, she was one I saw the most and one that made me feel the most comfortable. I was surprised however, to see many other girls in a separate waiting room-one where just the girls waited to see the different nurses for the ultrasound, anesthetist and for the procedure. Some made me shocked, not because of their age but their attitudes to the situation. For me this was disturbing, heart wrenching decision, to one of the girls she was more concerned about being able to eat, drink, and party and this was just a problem that could easily be taken care of, which hurt me a little. I was under the impression this was her second or third termination. I didn't judge those who made this choice, however, I think if you're in a room with multiple girls, one needs to keep an open mind to feelings and beliefs of others. One girl who was my age, in a similar situation but was still at University (I have finished my study) was kind and understanding even though she was sure and determined of her choice. I thank her now for talking to me and asking me about my life and this choice. I will never see her again but I do wish her best of luck for her future endeavours.

Please understand that this was hard for me and that I know that some won't agree with my decision. But my baby is in heaven being looked after by God and my family members who have passed away. It's going to take some time for me to be OK, and not think about my child every minute but I'll get there. I'm not overly religious person, but I was brought up to believe in God and although I have spent many years avoiding going to church and praying. I've asked God to look after my child and if he could one day forgive me. And I will continue to pray for my child.

I have a few tattoos and I will be getting one for her. It will go next to my heart and will say "Always on my mind, Forever in my heart" with two little baby feet next to it. I don't have a grave to visit nor a place to grieve, so this is my way of memorializing her.

I've gone through so many blogs and not found a story similar to mine, so I hope I help anyone like me who is unsure. I was unsure right up until the very last second but now that it's been done, I think it was for the best, you can't raise a child on doubt.

To any woman who is experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, please know you aren't the first and you certainly won't be the last to go through this. If you can't or don't have any family you can talk to please go and talk to a counsellor. Take a bunch of questions with you. Don't make this decision lightly, it will be something that may make you grow as a person or be detrimental to your future.
State: QLD
Country: Australia

Name: ieshaDate: 9/26/2013
Hi, i have had two abortion with in 2 years and now im pregnant again . i constantly think about the babies and wonder why i choose the love of their father more important than there own .. i cry so many nights because i cant get over it i wont accept that i hbeen so stupid i miss my babies and i wish i can get them back. it hurts so bad bc my boyfriend makes me chose in between the two and i cant do that im frustarted im aggravated im nervous so much is going on i cant take it sometimes i have sucidal thoughts idk what to do im hurt in pain i really need help .. if your are reading this and you are thinking about and abortion dont do it please dont do it .. we have too much state help to just ve hundred dollars to get rid of our problems but you will never get rid of your problems because thats you blood your child you giving up .. i wish i wouldve made a better decision .
State: la
Country: United States

Name: Jennifer OcasioDate: 9/26/2013
At the age of 16 ( I am 48 now ) I became pregnant...my parents didn't find out until I was close to six months. My step father made my mother take me to have an abortion when I was 7 months pregnant. Yes....7 months. I cannot describe the horror I went through alone in that hospital room in Detroit, MI back in 1982. My life has been an emotional rollercoaster ever since. Failed relationships because guys took advantage of me. I feel unloved, unliked and so unworthy. I don't trust anyone from family members to employers and so-called friends. I'm afraid to tell anyone because I feel it makes me week. I don't like to go out of the house. I don't like to be around people. I have life long friends but I feel they won't understand and treat me different. I cry alone all of the time. I cannot keep a job...I'm not sure why. Abortion is wrong at any age and wether you decide to keep your child or abort it....it's still a decision that affects you for the rest of your life. I've been on drugs, alcohol, have taken risks when it comes to relationships and sexual partners.
State: MI
Country: United States

Name: CrystalDate: 9/7/2013
I had an abortion at the beginning of February 2012. If I had not had an abortion, my baby would be almost a year old now. I typically don't think about it, but sometimes, when I see certain TV shows or hear certain stories about having children, I sometimes regret my decision to abort my pregnancy. I now feel like I should have given up my baby for adoption, rather than aborting the pregnancy. It's a very difficult decision for anyone to make, whether it feels like it at the time or not, and I feel for anyone who needs to make it.
State: Minnesota
Country: United States

Name: I'll Probably Never Be ForgivenDate: 8/26/2013
In 2007 I had found out I was pregnant. It was a few days into the month of December. I had realised that for a few months I missed my period. I told the guy I was with at the time that I thought I was pregnant. He got so mad at me. Telling me that it was my fault. Telling me that if I were to have a baby it would ruin his life. His family would look down on him. He wouldn't be able to finish college. He forced me into having a abortion January 2008. I was scared. I remember what I wore. I remember being there extra early. I remember hearing one of the nurses saying that they were doing fifty abortions that day. When it was my turn to go into the room, I remember staring at the surgery bed and saw some blood from the previous girl. I heard a voice telling me to leave. Telling me not to go through with it. I felt my heart race. I remember staring up at the ceiling and the sound of that awful machine. The suction. It was horrific. I cried as it happened. I kept hearing the voice in my head screaming. STOP IT STOP IT!!! I just layed there and cried. I didn't want this to happen. I felt so alone. I felt like the worse person ever. It's my fault for listening to him. It's my fault that my baby is not here with me today. Till today, I still live each day in regret. It hasn't gotten better for me. It feels like it happened yesterday. I hate myself for what I've done. I pray so much. Asking God and my unborn babies(I had a miscarriage before in 2004) to please forgive me. Forgive me for not being there for them. Forgive me for not being strong enough to stand up for myself so then I could keep them and love them and take care of them. Make them meals. Take them to school. Teach them things. Help them with their home work. I miss them so much. I'd do anything to go back and fix it all. Please, I beg you don't ever have a abortion, even if you're forced. It will haunt you for the rest of your life. If you can't take care of them for whatever reason, do your unborn baby a favor and give them a chance to live with someone else that can take care of them. Give them to someone that wants a baby. Please God, take care of all of the babies that were never given a chance.
State: Tx
Country: United States

Name: NicoleDate: 8/21/2013
When I was 14, I got pregnant by my 17 year old boyfriend. My parents told me I was getting an abortion. It was two weeks before I started high school, I wasn't given a choice and that was that. 4 days before school started, they let my b-friend spend the night and I went with him and my mom to do this. It was horrible, horrible. The protestors said such awful things to us.... my b-friend went and got me a teddy bear to hold on to, as they wouldn't let anyone come in with me. I'm actually holding my teddy bear right now. Today is the 24th anniversary of that day... I went on to get pregnant again a year later and had a miscarriage. Then I got pregnant again a few months later, and had a son at 16. Then I got pregnant again, 2 years later, had another son at 18. I'm not going to go into all the things I think my parents could have done, like getting me help to determine why I was so sexually active, so early (there was a very significant reason a girl loses her virginity at 12), or counseling over the original abortion. They would not even talk to me about it, or help me get birth control, etc... just let me keep getting pregnant over and over and over. I stayed with that man, married him and eventually divorced at 19 after 4 pregnancies, 2 births. I did graduate with honors although I was 6 months along at the time.

I grieve all my lost babies, even though my 3 kids are now 21, 19 and 15 and I have a granddaughter now. I dream of that first baby, ALL the time. I see him in my dreams, with blonde curls like his brothers...I know that my parents only did what they thought was right, but without being given the CHOICE, I feel like my son was murdered and I just can't get peace. I don't know why I'm writing this... except to get it all out somehow, only a few people know this story and lord knows my parents won't talk to me about it. I think they seemed to forget about it on August 22, 1989. I CANNOT forget, it tears me apart even though I have three healthy children now. I realize I'm lucky, but Lord, please hold my babies tight and let them know that I was so young, I didn't know I had a choice, and I love them all so much...


State: Illinois
Country: United States

Name: AnonymousDate: 8/15/2013
I don't remember the dates, it was a whirlwind time in my life. I only know that it was February 2011 and I was 28 years old. My then boyfriend and I had just moved in together and using the "trusty" pull out method became pregnant. As soon as I saw the positive sign I didn't even think twice about it, I was having an abortion. Although crying and crying I never swayed from my decision. I had the medical abortion at 6 weeks and did my best to remove the entire situation from my memory. But, deep down inside me I knew I was forever changed. I wasn't my happy go lucky self, my confidence was shattered, I was sad, angry and guilty. I do my best to move on with my life and for the past two years have had my engagement and wedding to think about but my abortion still lingers. My husband and I are now trying to conceive and we thought it would be so easy but it has been a year and I am starting to feel that that was the only time I'd ever see the positive sign I have been dying for. I'm scared that I am being punished for what I did, I think of the two year old son that I'd now have and every time I get my period I cry and then spend hours googling post abortion stories. I too feel that this will be my only, biggest regret and that I'll never truly be ok with it. It is something I never thought I would do but I did and it kills me everyday. Please take time to think before you act.
State: IL
Country: United States

Name: francisDate: 7/24/2013
I was 18 years old when I found I was pregnant. I knew early on because im always regular. so when I did not get my period I when to this place that gave free pregnancy test. the lady told me that im pregnant and she asked me what I planned to do. I told her "I don't know" I can not have this baby it would only be a failure to my parents. she told me that I should tell my mom and that maybe my mother will not be disappointed. I did not tell my mother, but I told my bf at that time that I was pregnant, he seemed happy but I told him that I dont want a baby. he got upset told me if I aborted the baby that it will be all over. but after 2 weeks he saw that I was sad all the time, not happy anymore and he said that I dont look happy. I told him i don't. so he said that he will support me if I get the abortion because he does not want to ruin my life just like he ruined his mother's life. (her mother got pregnant with him and I guess she would blame him for ruined her life). so I did, I searched and made appt as soon as possible. I knew it was bad to do it but I knew what I wanted for my life. when I was there, everything happened so fast, I stood up and I cried like I have never cried before. and I said to myself "it is done, why are you crying? this is what I wanted, so suck it up and move on". I guess that helped for the days to come but I needed to tell someone, so I told a friend but that wasn't so much of help so I went to my mom and I told her about it. she cried which made me cried. and she didn't get mad just sad. but I told her "you know what makes me feel better. every time I think of what I did I think of the pastor sermons calling to all of the woman who had abortion. he said that we will always carry the guilt but don't torture yourself what is done is done, think of it at a different view. this baby whos life were taken are with god now. little angels in the sky. and when jesus returns your babies will have little angel wings and you will see them happy at the side with jesus. and if you end up going to heaven there you will be with your babies". this is what I always think when I get a sad. and I smile and say my baby is with god and I move on. it also helps not to be with your bf because he will always remind you of what you did wrong. its hard it always is. and it was the only one i will ever do never will i do it again. so dont turtore yourself always think positively and all will be ok.
State: oregon
Country: United States

Name: MDate: 7/24/2013
I have lost 2 children by choice.
I can still see their unborn faces :(
State: Ontario
Country: Canada

Name: AliciaDate: 6/21/2013
As a child I grew up seeing how dysfunctional my parents' relationship with each other was. He would fight physically and verbally with myself, my sisters, and my mom. He has had many women and cannot maintain a healthy relationship with anybody.

I knew that I didn't want that to be me, but...

At age 16 I developed a relationship with a boy that I liked A LOT and he seemed to like me a lot too. More guys started noticing my body and pressuring me to get physical, even "christians" from church teased me about my lack of expierience. So that year I chose to lose my virginity to that boy I met who I liked A LOT.. and then he left and I felt worthless.

In highschool I flirted with a lot of guys and dressed in clothes that showed off my figure. I knew sex before marriage was "wrong" ,but had no idea why.

So Senior year when I began dating a guy who I thought was really special, things were going great, and then we started having sex. After a couple months of dating we broke up, then a month later we hooked up...

I began feeling "weird" and took a test that confirmed what I feared.. I was pregnant! At 18 I was too immature to handle this (or so I felt),I called my ex to tell him the news- he cussed at me told me I was cheap and hung up and never talked to me again.... I knew my parents would freak out if they knew but growing up in a Christian family I knew abortion was wrong..

I ended up talking to my parents, and in reality they were way calmer than I thought they would be.. my mom told me the best thing to do was adoption.. I was scared and selfish.. I drank a lot of alcohol one night and took a lot of pills... I had bad stomach cramps, and my period came.. when I took another test it read negative... I didn't tell my mom about any of this.. and still went with my mom to the local pregnancy resource center to discuss "options" and get things checked out... My parents were majorly relieved that I was not pregnant... my mom told me that maybe the first test was a fluke and that even if I was pregnant, many pregnancies end in miscarriage...

I carried on with my life but wasn't the same. I became more cynical and angry. I started to cut myself, attempted suicide, became very promiscous, and pushed everyone I love away from me.

3 years later I am doing a lot better, but I cannot help but think of what I did and the mistakes I made after. A boyfriend I had later on told me that I would never have a healthy child because of what I did.. and I still fear that. I have unsuccessfully tried to get pregnant, and have not since then... I cannot help but wonder.. and feel sad about what I chose to do.

I believe now that God has a plan for my life and that hope is still real.
I don't feel angry or bitter or cynical anymore and have begun to heal and learn from my past. Hope is real and recovery is possible.. :)
State: TN
Country: United States

Name: CDate: 6/21/2013
I had an abortion this week.
The same day, I was fine, even went to dinner that evening.
But when I tried to go to sleep that night, I saw it all again, over and over and the crying started.
Its now been 4 solid days where I haven't got dressed, left the house, or spoken to anyone other than my boyfriend, and to be honest I am not really saying much to him.
What I don't understand is WHY I am feeling like this, when it was my choice.
I cannot go to work, I cannot really eat, I can't sleep without seeing the whole thing again.
How do I (or why do I deserve to) grieve for the child I chose to get rid of?
I am so confused right now, but if I carry on like this, everyone will know my shame.
I can't tell anyone, the only people that know is my partner, my boss and someone else at work because I had to tell them why I kept having to go home from shifts before the abortion due to terrible sickness.
Today I am going to try to get dressed and put some make up on and at least look better. My boyfriend has left me a sweet note this morning with a list of instructions that I need to do before he gets home from work. Simple tasks like, get up, make tea, watch daytime tv, get dressed, do hair and be ready for 3pm!
And he's right, because you can let depression/grief affect you even more if you do what I have been doing and give up on life. the key to recovery is to let your emotions out and then gradually build up to your normal daily routine. I hope that next week I may be back at work.

I never thought that I would feel like this as I am not ready to have a child, but it can happen to anyone! I thinks its normal, I have heard stories where people have not felt this way so soon after the procedure and experience terrible depression later on in life linked to their abortion.

I chose abortion so have to live with the decision. Life does go on and I need to start to get mine together or face weeks, months or years feeling like this.

Yes it's only been 5 days but if I don't snap out of this now, it may just go on and on....

Please don't keep it secret like I have to....if you can tell someone do....if they are a true support, their opinion shouldn't be voiced, they should listen......

good luck to everyone
State: n/a
Country: United Kingdom

Name: Maisy Date: 6/21/2013
I had an abortion recently - i was 17 when i did. I had been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years, very happy etc etc! I knew having my abortion was the right thing to do. I couldnt support a baby - nor could i have everyone around me know that i was pregnant at such a young age. I told only one person throughout the whole thing. I had no emptional feeling towards this baby. Didnt want it, more in denial however at the fact i was pregnant and my baby was fully developed (14 weeks). Once i was called up into surgery, i got nervous. No second choices just pure nerves... Will i wake up from being put to sleep!? Once i laid down on the bed. It was all a blur. Happened so quick, my oxygen mask was put on, needles put into my arm then wheeled into another room and had surgeons and doctors running around in the smallest room to have one guy lean over me and tell me "this is the medicine that will put you to sleep" - my nurse started asking me to breathe and next thing i knew i awoke on the same bed in a quiet room, sectioned off to just burst out crying. I don't know why. I didn't want this baby and my mind hasn't changed.
The hardest part was telling my boyfriend. I didn't do it very well. Didn't do the cliche sit down and talk about it thing. We went to a family members wake and i said that i had been to the clinic, that they had put me to sleep. Then i said they had to take something out of me because he'd put something in me and we basically left it at that. He doesn't like talking about it. I know he doesn't. Im still in pain from it a little and if i say i have a stomach ache i get a reply of 'me too'.

If i sit and think about it i feel so alone - this baby was and is my angel and i love it now more than i did when it was growing in my belly. I don't use it to attention seek from my boyfriend. Infact i separate myself from him and sit and just cry and cry. My baby now, is my whole world and it will always be the baby i lost and now love and nothing will change my mind.
I envy women who have finally reached that stage where they can talk about it and hopefully i will be in that position myself one day. No one can understand what we went through. Its not something you can just forget (maybe for some but).
My baby is in the safe hands of God. He will look after it and care for him and me. In time i will recover. I just wish some women read these things before thinking its an easy progress... Like me.
X
State: Uk
Country: United Kingdom

Name: cheyanneDate: 6/16/2013
Well my story is a little crazy it all started when I found out I was pregnant I was only 14 years old I was scared I had to hide it from my own mother my boyfriend's mother knew about it I was happy that I made a child with this very wonderful person but I was scared of what my mother may have thought everyone was so happy about my pregnancy .... One night I had told my older sister about me being pregnant and she was happy also she had told my mother right before she had went to work my mom was very mad and began to cry my mother had talked me into the abortion I regret this choice everyday I cry myself to sleep everynight this is not somthing I wanted to do I loved being pregnant and my mother didn't believe I would of been a good mother but she never gave me and my boyfriend the chance to find out on our own ..
State: Indiana
Country: United States

Name: LisaDate: 6/16/2013
I've never thought about my abortion before today, Fathers day. I dont even

know how it came to my mind. I've blocked it out for so long. But it was

something about to day. I was talking to my boyfriend about today, and how

he wouldve been a great father and it all hit me at once. I feel sad, awful,

hypocritical, punished, and ashamed. I'm burdened. And I feel like my

chances of getting into heaven are slim to none. I feel hypocritical because I

have a God-daughter that I love with all my heart and would do anything for.

And the fact that I destroyed my own flesh and blood out of fear disgusts

me. I did not have the abortion because I was forced to, or my parents, or

my current boyfriend and boyfriend at the time wanted me to, etc. I aborted

my baby because I was scared and did not want to ruin my life or his life. I

did not have the funds to raise a baby and I had way too much going on in

my life to keep it. (work, college, bills, etc.)

When I found out I was pregnant I cried for 3 hours and decided to do

whatever necessary to get rid of it. My boyfriend was 100% supportive of

any decision I made. And I never felt an emotional impact before today. I

think about what he would have looked liked, somehow, I just knew what it

would've been a boy. I'll never get to see him smile, laugh, cry, crawl,

anything. Hold him in my arms and let him know that I loved him. It hurts so

much. I cant even think of anything positive of it, like to say he's in a better

place or in heaven looking down at me. There's no heaven at the bottom of

toilet. I dont know what to feel. I just needed to vent and hope that I'll be

okay tomorrow when this day is over. Thanks for letting me share my story.
State: Alabama
Country: United States

Name: CaitlinDate: 6/11/2013
I had just begun a relationship with a guy I had known all through elementary school and high school, we were never really close friends or anything in school. He was one of those hot jock prom king types and I wasnt unpopular so to say, I just wasn't a fan of that bullshit highschool limelight.
Anyways we had just begun our sexual relationship in mid march of this year (2013). Now I had previously had a boyfriend of three years where we had been trying for a baby but I never once conceived so I more or less just had begun to believe that I wasn't able to. So with this next relationship I wasnt the least bit cautious because I believed that I wasn't able to conceive. To my surprise I took a pregnancy test towards the end of April because my breasts had been swollen for just over a week (which they usually swell for a couple days before I start my period) so I decided to take the test, thinking for sure it would be negative but for the first time ever it read positive. I didn't know what to say or do, I just handed it to my boyfriend and locked myself in the bathroom to call the doctors office to go in and take a pregnancy test with them that day.
After I went to the doctors office they informed me that yes I was indeed pregnant and estimated I was about 6 weeks along. I, having been wanting a baby for quite some time, so i was happy, nervous and excited. Well once I returned home those feelings changed rather quickly for my boyfriends reaction was the opposite.
Before you judge him for his anger and frustration with the situation you must know that he is currently going through a situation with a ex that he has a gorgeous three year old son with. She will taunt him with the child only to yell profanities and degrade him and not let him see his son. She is doing this because after four years hebhad finally gotten the courage up to leave her. She is controlling and abusive verbally, emotionally and psychologically. She has left him completely broken and keeps the child from him out of spite. And here I am, someone he has come to finally trust and believe in, picking up the pieces. He is one of the most attractive men I have ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on and he seems himself as ugly and worthless.
His immediate reaction to the confirmation that I was pregnant was atrocious. He was angry and left for hours. We he finally had come home he told me that abortion was the only option. I let him cool off for a few days before bringing up to him that I did not want to have an abortion but instead wanted to keep the baby. He freaked out yelling and saying that I had no idea what it was going to be like, how emotional and frustrated I would be during the pregnancy, how much labor would hurt anf the actual costnof having the child, the cost of taking care of the child, the costs of everything I would need to get for the baby, the crying at night, the pain of breastfeeding, etc etc and he goes on and on. Mind you I hate arguing and confrontation. But I still try to stick up for myself and the baby growing inside of me by saying that I know these things and i have friends and family that will support me and help me in anyway and that even if he won't be there for us I will have people that will be and that if he can't deal with it that's fine but he is more than welcome to be a part of the child's life anytime he chooses and that I would never keep the child from him. Well none of what I said phased him and he then informed me that he could not handle being a father again amd that he had too much that he was dealing with already and what really hit hard and hurt was when he turned and tolf me that I wouldnt be able to take care of and raise a child, that I would struggle because of the financial aspect and that there was no way I could do it without him and he wasn't going to do it so that was that.
As the days went by I gave up on trying to argue with him to keep the baby I so desperately wanted and told him I would go along with an abortion. He said he would be with me every step of the way and became very supportive but once in a while conflicted with himself about wanting the abortion. I secretly hoped that he would just change his mind and want to keep it because as the days went by the more his confliction was apparent.
I ended up going to planned parenthood to receive a proof of pregnancy certificate and he was supposed to go with me but his new job started the day of the appointment, it wasn't a great job so he was going to continue looking while he started there because a job is better than no job. I informed him that the day he was supposed to start was the day I was going intob planned parenthood. He said he would call work and tell them he couldn't start til the next day but I told him no that I would go alone and it would be fine. In the waiting room I cried all I was doing was taking another pregnancy test and getting a certificate that proved the fact. But still I cried I believe it was because that would be the same building that I would be making an appointment to have an abortion.
After coming home and my boyfriend getting back from work we called and made the appointment. The appointment was three weeks away and my boyfriend immediately asked for the day off from work and it was approved. But three weeks later on the day the abortion was scheduled he found out the day before he would be starting a better new job. During these three weeks I insinuated multiple times rather subtly that I did not want an abortion. Since he yet again was to start a new job and it was on the day of the abortion I once again told him to go ahead and start the new job and I would go alone and have a friend pick me up. He left for work at 6am and my appointment was at 8am. I didn't go and I didn't reply to his texts or answer his calls that day while he was at work.
When he got home I told him that I couldn't go through with it because it upset me too much. I asked him if he was angry with me and he said no and that he was sorry that he hadn't been there for me. Then he had us make another appointment where he again got the day off approved but this time I knew he would be with me because he finally had the job he wanted.
The day of the appointment came and as we drove to the planned parenthood I waited and hoped the whole hour long drive that he would change his mind. No luck. We fot there and checked in, filled out paper work and paid for the procedure. They gave us a packet of information to read which we sat down to read while we waited to be called back but I couldnt read a thing because I immediately started crying, we were called back rather quickly anyhow. I went back first by myself so ththey could do my vitals and ask to make sure that I didn't feel threatened with my boyfriend being back in the room with me. I informed them that I needed him there with me to do this all the while tears streamed down my face. They brought him back and I was on the table, he sat next to me and held me hand. All the while I cried, they did an ultrasound first to determine how far along I was, it was estimated at about 14weeks but turns out I was closer to only 8-9weeks. I cried, he held my hand. The doctor came in with all his surgical tools and the vacuum and I just cried the whole time. Before they actually started the procedure I so badly wanted to tell them to stop that i couldn't go through with it but I was jusy laying there crying like an idiot. I looked over at my boyfriend and he was holding my hand with both of his amd had his head down on them. I sio desperately wanted him to tell them no, to tell them to stop. But he didn't.
The procedure wasn't long but it seemed like an eternity. Not only was it painful physically, but all that was running through my head is that I just allowed the baby I wanted so badly to be ripped out of me, I killed it, I let it die because I was two weak of a person to stand up for myself and my unborn child. I felt awful and the guilt was immediate. As soon as it was over and I was dressed we left, I couldn't bear to be there any longer. I was dizzy and faint as we walked out ti the truck and my boyfriend had to support me as we walked. I puked in the parking lot alongside the truck. We left and not a word was spoken on the way home he tried holding my hand but all I could do is cry. He took great care of me when we got home, making me food, letting me cry, comforting me, holding me. But still the deed was done and I was devestated.
The realization didn't hit him until about two days later while we were at the mall.I was coping okay by telling myself that it was better off this way, that it had robhappen but mostly by just not thinking about it. When it hit him, it hit him hard and he was so very upset about how it had been him that wanted the abortion and that he made me get the abortion, how he had killed our baby and he would surely go to hell for it. That he ruined it, he was struggling legally to be able to see his fiest child and that he had been stupid and thrown away the life of what could have been his second child. This of course did not help me what so ever with trying to cope with whatbi had let happen or with me trying to forgive myself.
It's been a constant battle with my emotions and with him going back and forth with feeling guilty about it.
He is so worried about me possibly getting pregnant again it is borderline impossible to get him to be intimate with me. We don't fight about anything and have nothing to fight about besides the lack of intimacy. Which may sound ridiculous but the fact he won't even touch me no matter how hard I try it doesn't work. It makes me feel as if he doesn't want me anymore, that I am jot attractive enough for him, that I don't arouse him or interest him and that hurts as well. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone and I just want him to show interest, to give me intimate attention...
But still I want that baby back. I want my baby. But now is not the time and i know that if he would be intimate with me and I did become pregnant again I wouldn't let him convince me to get rid of something I so desperately want. Something i would do anything for and love with all my heart and soul, with ny whole being.
Now that I have gone through an abortion, I want a baby more than I did before.
State: washington
Country: United States

Name: freedomfrommythoughtsDate: 6/4/2013
My husband and I have started trying to conceive this month....needless to say for some reason it has brought up feels of confusion, guilt and less self worth..... Here is my story....

When from I was 19-22 I was in an physically and verbally abusive relationship... the man I dated was awful and control he would throw out my birth control pills out the car window(literally). I chose to stay because I was young, naive ...hoped he would change and had no self esteem. Around the age of 20 I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and I an abortion. I felt bad but I honestly knew it was the right choice who would bring a child into such a volatile environment. Finally I broke off the relationship at the age of 22 and never turned back.

I met a wonderful man (who is now my husband) at the age of 23. After the first year of our relationship we went through some hard times...and I was still in therapy because of my issue from my pervious relationship.
Anyway... The following winter I was 24 (going to be 25 in the spring), just starting working as a nurse and was living and a crappy apartment with my partner. I taking the pill...but was rather lax about it I would take it here and there and sometimes not take it at all for a while ( I never discussed this with my partner). I knew when I would be ovulating ...and boom we got pregnant. I told my partner and he wanted us to have an abortion....i didn't want to...but I didn't want to lose him....(and i felt like i did this to myself).
At 6 weeks pregnant I had my second abortion. This was hard for me knowing I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man and we. After a few weeks I had suppressed all the feelings of guilt....and by the summer we were engaged and planning a destination wedding for that Fall.

Now two years later I am 27...I have grown up, we have bought a house and a lot has changed. My husband and I are now both in better places in our lives. We are now trying to conceive. As soon as we decided we wanted to try started to have this awful heart wrenching feeling of guilt....I feel like my husband does not deserve to even be married to me because I feel like I planned to get pregnant and then when it happen the reality struck and I had an abortion. I feel like an awful person that my husband deserves better than that....but over the past few days I have tried to tell myself its not about my husband as much as its about me and my guilt and feeling as I don't deserve to be a mother.

Looking back I feel like I was some psycho girlfriend trying to trap someone and then I came to my sense...but at an awful expensive...who does that? Am I an awful person? Should I tell my husband the truth? Will I ever be able to forgive myself if so how do I begin this healing process.

I'm looking for realistic neutral guidance and advice...

State: SOUTH Carolina
Country: United States

Name: freedomfrommythoughtsDate: 6/4/2013
My husband and I have started trying to conceive this month....needless to say for some reason it has brought up feels of confusion, guilt and less self worth..... Here is my story....

When from I was 19-22 I was in an physically and verbally abusive relationship... the man I dated was awful and control he would throw out my birth control pills out the car window(literally). I chose to stay because I was young, naive ...hoped he would change and had no self esteem. Around the age of 20 I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant and I an abortion. I felt bad but I honestly knew it was the right choice who would bring a child into such a volatile environment. Finally I broke off the relationship at the age of 22 and never turned back.

I met a wonderful man (who is now my husband) at the age of 23. After the first year of our relationship we went through some hard times...and I was still in therapy because of my issue from my pervious relationship.
Anyway... The following winter I was 24 (going to be 25 in the spring), just starting working as a nurse and was living and a crappy apartment with my partner. I taking the pill...but was rather lax about it I would take it here and there and sometimes not take it at all for a while ( I never discussed this with my partner). I knew when I would be ovulating ...and boom we got pregnant. I told my partner and he wanted us to have an abortion....i didn't want to...but I didn't want to lose him....(and i felt like i did this to myself).
At 6 weeks pregnant I had my second abortion. This was hard for me knowing I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man and we. After a few weeks I had suppressed all the feelings of guilt....and by the summer we were engaged and planning a destination wedding for that Fall.

Now two years later I am 27...I have grown up, we have bought a house and a lot has changed. My husband and I are now both in better places in our lives. We are now trying to conceive. As soon as we decided we wanted to try started to have this awful heart wrenching feeling of guilt....I feel like my husband does not deserve to even be married to me because I feel like I planned to get pregnant and then when it happen the reality struck and I had an abortion. I feel like an awful person that my husband deserves better than that....but over the past few days I have tried to tell myself its not about my husband as much as its about me and my guilt and feeling as I don't deserve to be a mother.

Looking back I feel like I was some psycho girlfriend trying to trap someone and then I came to my sense...but at an awful expensive...who does that? Am I an awful person? Should I tell my husband the truth? Will I ever be able to forgive myself if so how do I begin this healing process.

I'm looking for realistic neutral guidance and advice...

State: SOUTH Carolina
Country: United States

Name: JamieDate: 6/1/2013
I had an abortion almost a year ago. Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of the day I found out i was pregnant. I love kids, I have always, always wanted to be a mother. I met my ex and fell in love with him after a month. Months later I found out he was married through facebook. I was heart broken and he kept telling me that the marriage was over and he loved me. I believed him and slept with him several times.

Last May I was 4 days late but didn't think much of it because I had experienced the same thing 2 months prior. This time around I decided to take a pregnancy test. before i finished peeing on the stick it came up pregnant. I was shocked and devastated. I called him and he said "I told you we should have used a condom". He then made it clear a week later that I could have it if I wanted but he wouldn't be there. I thought about keeping it but I was afraid that I would ruin the child's life by making it a product of an affair. What would I tell my parents and the rest of my family. I was 32 and a month from 33. I should have known better. When I told him I decided to go through with the abortion he said "good". I went to the clinic by myself because he wouldn't come with me. Two days later he called me and said his wife left him. My entire world fell apart. I haven't been the same since. I could have kept my baby. Just two days.

I got back together with him and he cheated on me. So I ended it 3 months after I had the abortion. Now he is with the girl he cheated on me with and they are having a baby and moving in together today 10 days to the 1 year anniversary of when I had the abortion.

I feel like GOD is punishing me for having the abortion. 2 days later his wife left him, now another woman is having his baby. I wish I had been stronger, I wish I didn't care about him. I wish I had told my parents because they would have supported me. I could have given that baby a great life. I let judgment and a man who never really loved me create so much fear in me that I made the worse decision of my life. It's 2013 and he still gets to have a baby. I am left with regrets and emptiness.

I pray for forgiveness.
State: NY
Country: Canada

Name: marthaDate: 5/29/2013
I am 22 and 13weeks pregnant. I was with my boyfriend for a little over a year and after we decided to start a family he decided to cheat. He already has 2 children and I have a son myself. I know that having this baby wouldn't be smart I'm in no way financially ready and not willing to deal with this man for 18 years. He is truly toxic to me. So I'm about to terminate my pregnancy this week. For weeks I've had my mind set and didn't even think twice. Until now 4 days before my procedure. I can't stop crying and my dreams don't help. I had a dream in which I had the procedure done and as I carried my fetus after the extraction it was still breathing I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me to and shortly after stopped breathing. I literally woke up crying. I still want to go through the procedure mainly because he's irresponsible and rarely cares for his 2 children let alone pay child support. If I was financially stable and he didn't have rights I would of definitely decided to keep the child. I'm so torn and angry with him for playing with someones life and leading me to make one of the hardest choices I have ever had to make. He should of never tricked me into starting a family if he knew he wasn't ready to settle down. All it was to him was a way to be connected to me for life. He thought I wouldn't leave him once I was pregnant but I couldn't stay. I deserve better than that. As much as it hurts me to do this I know I'll have my time in the future when I'm ready. For now I'm making sure I'm financially ready for the future going to nursing school and trying to get ahead. I just hope this feeling fades
State: tx
Country: United States

Name: Tamarah vDate: 5/11/2013
My name is lataska and I had an abortion eleven years Ago. It's not one day that I Donot think about it or regret not standing up for my self . I know I was young I was 14 at the time. My mother never gave me the chance to decided. I am now 25 and never been pregant sense that day. My birthday was when I found out I was pregant but 3 days later my mother took me to the abortion clinic. I really feel like I cannot have kids because I have not been pregant but tried. My only regret is not saying how I felt back then. I'm not depressed but I feel like if I open my mouth I wouldn't be feeling the way I do now.
State: Illinois
Country: United States

Name: AnnaDate: 4/17/2013
I just had an abortion yesterday at 17 weeks pregnant. I had known I was pregnant since January of 2013. I always wanted a baby and when I found out I was pregNant at 25 years of age I knew I was ready. My boyfriend and I broke up on January 5th and I found out on the 17 th of January that I was pregnant. His first response was to get an abortion. Then he said he would respect whatever decision I made and kept asking when I was getting the abortion. I Havnt heard anything from him since feb. my family thought it was best that I proceed in the abortion and no one believed I was ready for this baby. I had made several bookings for an abortion but never showed up for the appointments. Yesterday I made the biggest mistake of my life and went ahead with the abortion. Even after I knew I didnt want to do it. In the end I realized that I should have stuck with my gut feeling to keep my baby. Even after I took the 2 pills to soften my cervix I told the nurse I didn't want to go through with it. She said it was too late and that the baby would have abnormalities if I didn't go ahead With the procedure. As soon as I woke I felt empty inside and that beautiful feeling of fullness was gone. My stomach was flat and my bump was gone. I made the decision to have the abortion and cannot blame others for influencing my decision. I will never forgive myself for this life changing decision. My mother says that it's for the best and now I can have a life. For me my baby was my life and I took it away from the world. Nothing matters anymore. This decision has not given my relief. Only heartache and pain which could have been prevented. I will never see my baby grow and that will haunt me forever. Goodbye my little one. I'm so sorry I didn't fight hard enough to keep you.
State: Ny
Country: United States

Name: JessicaDate: 4/12/2013
I am 28 now, but at the time of my abortion, I was 21. My boyfriend and I had dated since I was 17. I was on birth control when I met him and always promised that if birth control failed, I would get an abortion. He took comfort in this, and I took comfort in knowing that he would be supportive. When I got pregnant, my boyfriend and I were on again - off again, and I was desparate to make it work. On our "anniversary," we had sex, and, for whatever reason, he did not pull out. two months later, on his birthday, I had an abortion. It was an extremely lonely time in my life. When I told my boyfriend I was pregnant, he held me accountable for promising to get an abortion. He already had a child, and I didn't want to make his life any harder. When I told my parents that I was pregnant, my mother encouraged me to get an abortion because she felt I was trying to trap my boyfriend. Those words cut me to the core. My mother had me when she was 20, and I always felt that she shouldn't have had a child because she was too overbearing and unstable at time. Now this woman was telling me that I did not deserve to have a baby. My dad told me that he was sure I would make a good mother, but this wasn't the right time. See, my parents expected me to graduate from college and make them proud. I always felt like I was getting an abortion to protect their pride. My boyfriend drove me to the clinic to get the abortion. It was an awkward two hour drive from our hometown. We didn't talk much; I cried while he drove. Once there, I was taken into a room where they asked me if I was there of my own accord. When I said yes, they said I just needed to have an ultrasound. After that we would pay the fee, and then they would take me back. I went back and had the ultrasound. They had me lay on my back and put a wand in me. The technician looked on the screen and said, "Yeah, you're pregnant. I'll take you to the next room." I was never offered to see the ultrasound. I had always assumed it would just be a blip on a screen. They never offered to let me hear the heartbeat, and it never occurred to me that I would be able to hear one. I tried to do as little research as possible before my abortion because I was afraid I would discover something that would cause me to back out. Everyone wanted this abortion. The person I would be co-parenting with and the people who would help me raise and support this child all wanted me to have an abortion, so I went into the situation with a hole in my heart. I couldn't bare to know EXACTLY what I was doing. The next room I went to had lockers. I was told to take off my clothes, put on a gown, leave my socks on, and take a pain killer. There were two other girls in this room and we were each in our dressing room with our lockers. All I could see were feet on either side of me. As soon as I was done, I stepped out and a person escorted me to the surgical room. While we walked to the room, saw the glass containers where I know fetuses were deposited when they were vacuumed out of a womb. It made my knees week. At that moment, I remember wanting to cry. I went into the room, and I remember a man with dreadlocks. It was off-putting for some reason... something about him having a relaxed, fun hair cut in this place where women made life decisions. I laid on a bed and they told me they were going to inject me with the anesthesia. It burned my face. It felt like my face had embers placed on it and then I went to sleep. When I woke up, I was in between curtains and could hear the movements and voices of other women who had just had their surgery. I looked down and saw that I had underwear around my ankles with a pad attached. It was just there.. waiting for me to pick it up and put it on my "wound?" They told me I could stay there as long as I needed and that when I was ready, someone would escort me back to the dressing room. I laid back down and thought about what I had done. the decision I had made. the way this would change my life. the way this would change my relationships with those I love and needed the most. the way I would never feel the same about babies. the way the drive to this city would always remind me. the way I had known the nausea of morning sickness and how eerily similar it was to this feeling of .... emptiness.... I walked out of that clinic through an alternate door where my boyfriend somehow knew to meet me. He asked if I was okay, and I instantly hated that stupid fkn question. All I wanted was to hear, "I'm sorry." I was sorry. Why wasn't he? We drove away from there. We drove away from the pro-life picketers outside the clinic. He was hungry and went to a hamburger place. He asked me if I wanted anything. I couldn't think of eating. I was grieving. I was busy hating myself and him. We drove those two hours in silence. I was in pain, physical and emotion. When we got to my apartment, he put my things in my apartment, held me for about 30 minutes while I laid on the couch and then said he had to go. I was left there alone. I suppose I already felt alone, but I wanted the comfort of his touch. That was 7 years ago. To this day, I wince when my parents are watching anything that discusses abortion. I resent my mother for now rushing me to have children. I married my boyfriend. I always told family that I wasn't sure I even wanted to have children because I hated being asked when we would start our family. I am barely getting comfortable with the idea that I should have a child. I have punished myself. I have hated myself for all of these years. The effects of the abortion have lasted 7 years. I feel like I'll never be the same. I will always have this chip on my shoulder. If only I could erase my memory... better yet, if only I could turn back the hands of time.
State: California
Country: United States

Name: BarbaraDate: 4/8/2013
I yearn for grandchildren. My boys are 21 & 24 years old and nowhere near giving me grandchildren.
My two eldest children would be 40 & 34 years old this year. I would be a grandmother many times over by this time in my life.
I was told by a Planned Parenthood counselor, a nice motherly intelligent woman, that what I was carrying didn't even have a heartbeat. I was unmarried, in college and 6 weeks pregnant. I believed that it was "okay" because the "blob of cells" as the Planned Parenthood counselor said didn't even have a heartbeat so wasn't really alive.
Six years later I was married to a very wealthy man whom I cared about and for whom I felt some love & respect. I still believed that at 6 weeks my second child was just "a blob of cells" and didn't have a heartbeat so wasn't really alive "yet".
When I got home from the clinic where I had my second abortion I sat and stared at my belly and realized that something was missing. A warm, good feeling was gone.
So was any respect or love that I had for my husband.

I cried every night for two weeks. In a journal I kept from that time I had written, "Why am I crying? What is wrong with me that I am sobbing these heart wrenching sobs every day. I have what I want. I am married to a man I care about who is wealthy enough to meet my every material need."
It wasn't until my despair reached extreme proportions about three months later that I turned to God and was baptized as a Christian. I divorced my husband within a year because all the love was gone.

Now 34 years later. I sit typing this message. Yearning for the grandchildren that I may never live to see, knowing that my life would have been so much better and more fulfilling if abortion had been illegal in those days. If abortion had been illegal I would have experienced a small amount of pain that would have faded with time. Now I live with a large amount of pain that has never faded. When I held my third child in my arms after carrying him for nine months and giving birth to him
it was the beginning of my shocked realization that I had killed my first two children. I always pray for all of my children.
My children who would have been 40 & 34 years old this year and my three children who will be 25, 24 & 22 this year. I grieve for my three youngest children that they will never have their older siblings to love. They would all be aunts and uncles many time over. Instead I yearn for the grandchildren that I may never live to see.
State: New York
Country: United States

Name: AmyDate: 4/1/2013
I had an abortion in 2001. Sometimes I wonder what things would be like if I stood up to my ex and didn't have an abortion. What if I knew then, what I know now. Now I am very strongly pro-life and I try to use my story to help others. Since my abortion I've given birth to 4 kids. People suggested an abortion with two of them. This time I have a supportive husband and know of local resources to help me. I lost my first born shortly after birth. A side effect of the abortion? Possibly. My youngest is almost 6 months and I got pregnant with him while using birth control and in a very bad financial situation.
State: Indiana
Country: United States

Name: ShayDate: 4/1/2013
Nobody on here could feel even close to as bad as I feel. I had two miscariages before I gave birth via c-section to a beautiful boy. He was my mircale baby and I was so grateful that I didn't lose him. A little after his second birthday, I discovered I was pregnant again. I thought to myself I can't even afford him and my boyfriend doesn't work so, I'll get an abortion but when I went, I chickened out and burst into tears. This was killing a unborn baby and I use to look down on other girls for doing this. I finally went back and got the abortion pill. And then what happens? A little after his 3rd birthday, I discover once again, I'm pregnant. This time around, I'm not working, boyfriend isn't working but in the back of my mind, I think this could be the little girl we always wanted. Once again, I went to the abortion clinic and got the pill. Guess what happen the next year, I discover I'm pregnant once again. This time, I'm working, boyfriend's still not and I'm not even sure I want this relationship so, I decided this time to have the abortion surgery. Now, I felt guilt and relief after all three of these abortion but around those times, I was very simple minded. I didn't want to get on birth control because I was afraid it would make me infertile but I didn't want abortions to become a form of birth control and I don't want to keep murdering my unborn childern. So, I finally wise up and get on the birth control patch a month later(2012). So, after that I'm so relieve and I'm doing great even though, I feel dehydrated and nausea all the time, at least it's not from pregnancy. Well, Feburary 2013, I discover that somehow again, I am pregnant. I'm upset, angry and confused. I thought to myself why? I did everything right! maybe god wants me to be pregnant? Maybe my son shouldn't been an only child? This might be the little girl I always wanted. But just this past friday, I went right back to have a surgical abortion. This time didn't stick too well like all the other times. The guilt of aborting 4 babies, the thought of being a bad person, and just emotionally distraught. I actually watched the video of a surgical abortion on youtube and I cried and cried. It was horrific. Every ten minutes, I don't think god will ever forgive me. But if there's anything I can do to prevent someone from making the mistakes I made, one less person going to hell like me. I would like to add that if I ever got pregnant again, I would just go through with it like a real woman should from now on but it's to the point, I don't even want to have sex anymore.
State: MD
Country: United States

Name: AlishaDate: 3/20/2013
Hi everyone, I am Alisha and I am 22 years old. I got pregnant when I was 16 with my best friend. I was so scared when I found out I was crying I did not know what to do. I wanted to keep the baby but when I talked to my parents and the baby's father they were all saying its probably best to get an abortion. I went to go get an ultra sound done and I was 9 weeks. Mind you this is going on almost 7 years later now. So I got the abortion done in July and have been depressed ever since. I felt like I was forced to get an abortion and my younger sister has 2 kids of her own and was not forced to get an abortion. Even my best friend has a kid of his own to. I have been punishing myself like no other and cannot deal with the abortion to this day at all. I knew it was also the best thing for me but still I can't help wonder what my daughter/ or son would have been like how they act anything.
State: Wa
Country: United States

Name: RenaeDate: 3/20/2013
I had an abortion 19 years ago. Ironically, the past few years have been the most difficult for me. I cannot forgive myself, I'm filled with remorse and regret. I am a Catholic, and it is not only against my religion, but it is against all I believe in.
I chose to do it anyways. I had an 8-month-old at the time. His father had just walked out on us and had began seeing someone else. I didn't feel I had a choice back then, alone with no job, I saw no other way.
Regardless of all this, its no excuse!! I struggle with, "I could've, should've and why did I do it?" I hate myself, I cannot forgive myself for doing it.
I know in my heart it was a baby girl. I don't have any daughters, just three boys. I got rid of it, and now there is a hole in my heart that will always be there.
I know my baby is in heaven, I hope she will forgive me, and that I will meet her someday.
For anyone who is considering abortion, please be sure you can live with yourself, because it will affect you for the rest of your life.

My heart will be forever broken, for the baby I never met, I took her life away before she took her first breath...May God Forgive me.
State: california
Country: United States

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